My Yesterdays

This was a dream that was real that I could actually touch this person.. She was there its hard for me to tell you my dream with out crying but I am going to . I was in the grocery store.. I know crazy but I looked up and there was my Mom standing right in front of me beautiful just like she was when she was feeling good, she was perfect , smiling, happy and it was so strange she holding a bag of sugar.. yep I know crazy huh.. maybe it was a sign she was wanting to give me some thing sweet like her love. But I just stood there holding her in my arms and so felt her she was there hugging me to holding tight . Then we stopped and she said Toni lets go home I want to fix something to eat. I stopped and looked at her and said that there was nothing at her home everything was taken away , she looked at me and said what? I said yes Allen had made me take everything away and sell it and put her home up for sale. She said NO you was to get my home why is that not happening I said that Allen wont let me have it , it was his lawyers that had made sure of that, he sold your car too and bought him a boat, She started crying saying No this is not right, this is not how it was to be, but I said I know but there is nothing I can do about it , there we both stood in the middle of the store crying I was crying so hard and when I went to wipe my tears away , and looked up she was gone.. I searched though the store to find her but could not , then I woke up.. It was such a sad dream but a happy moment also.. I guess since my oldest daughter is on her way to AZ and after losing my mom it just made me feel alone. I know my Mom is right here with me she is.. I can feel her.. I see a sign of her everyday. weather its a cotton tree ball flying by my face in the dead of winter or a bee flying in my face at the funeral in Oct. I also feel as if I lost my brother too.. he is just taking things in his own hands not letting me even prove to him I can take of moms house as it was willed to me .. nope he just takes things in his own hands and does away with things whether I want it gone or not . Mom always said what goes around comes around .. I wish no ill will to my brother but there is going to be a moment when he will see that what he is doing is wrong .. he keeps telling me that when we sell the house that we can get money . MONEY who cares. seriously that was my safe haven my home and he even took that away from me to. That I can never forgive him for doing and once things are all done and over with .. as far as im concerned when my Mom died I lost my brother to. he has made me this way.. I have never ask him for anything till now and he cant even do that.. so when I needed him the most he was not there.. so I can't keep being upset with him I have to move on and see were life takes me or should I say were I am going to let it take me maybe I will move on maybe I will start walking and just keeping walking away.. material things dont mean much to me anymore .. Life is what is important.. Sorry for such a long post but I feel that once out in the open its done and over with. Later...

Please don't cry but always remember this song when it comes to grandma. This is for you Sweetie..

I actually need to focus on what is going on right now .. My daughter is leaving for AZ this next week ,, yep this next week.. like someone slap me and make me realize thats not to far off .. I need more time with her I need to spend some me and her time , give my grandson one last hug it might be a while before we can go out to visit her and i'm going to miss her allot.. Its one of them things that you always take for granted but never realize that its actually happening till it happens.  once again Good luck to you and your family and I hope that things work out for you, and I cant wait to come visit with you guys.  Spend a week with you all .. so save a space on the floor or couch for us to visit.. I want to see all the sites.. Love you my first born baby.. Mom

Work has been crazy sometimes and then sometimes its ok.. I just dont know how to handle somethings sometimes.. So I guess live and learn .. you never know what to or how to do it ..So my big thing is " it is what it is.. do your best and bascially thats all you can do. Later.

My dream for many years was to have my own candle shop, but I let my candle business fall by the wayside , to many things going on in my life to keep the business going. I did by the way have on of those counter displays that I had in a few stores I still have them but am wondering what to do with them now..I so loved making new candles and creating new designs, but Like I said it involved way to much of time , time that I really enjoyed by the way but it seems life gets in the way . I have since sold almost all of my candle supplies , it was mostly the molds that most of them i made myself another fun job I liked doing and creating.. Maybe I just might get into that part of my candle making making silicone molds love doing that.

I wish my daughter all the best in the world and want the best for her , but I guess I come from the old school I just couldn't leave my mom but it guess it was different for me , my mom always said if you want to move to a different state go for it live while you are young.. But I guess not only did I not want to leave my Mom I was afraid to never had the guts to leave like my daughter .. I'm proud of her moving on and getting out of the same rut she has been in for so long .. You go girl .. I so wish you all the best in the world you are a strong, independent person I just wish I had the back bone to pack up and go. And you are so prepared I'm so proud of you its not like you are just up and leaving you have all your eggs in a basket and I'm happy for you.. Maybe is because you became independent when you were married and had to take on responsibility.. I guess your like that song .."If I had only known " because I always thought you would be here forever and I guess I would always have you around .. If I could of done my life over I think I would do the same as you.. really I'm so ready to move on.. I guess I was just waiting until Mom no longer needed me before I realized that I need myself also.. I would do it all over again if I had to with taking care of my Mom never ever regret that ever.. I have to go on I have to be strong for me and never ever again will I ever let anyone make me cry again I'm so tired of crying .. but don't mean I won't be sad.. I think that the reason it was so bad at work today and I cried was that I really wasn't ready to go back to work so soon after Mom died.. I was not ready to be pushed into the corner.. enough said ... Later.

I have learned allot about quick weight loss diets for me they don't work, but for others they do. For me I have tried them and only end up gaining all the weight back plus more that I lose. And come to think of it were does the weight go that you do lose does the person next to you get it only to give it back later.. Think about it were does the weight go if its on your body and you lose it and then find it again why would you take it back. Does it sneak up on you and attach itself to your body while your sleeping. Does it just fall off one day and you are walking along and trip and fall and it grabs you again? I often wonder about that because you can lose money and find it that's good. If you lose a shoe and find it that's good but if you find the weight that you lost that's bad . Just makes no sense to me at all.

Ok I was so close to just walking out today and if it does not get any easier I will but only after I find another job. my job for 9 dollars a hours is so not worth the stress I'm going through really .. These people don't know there ass from a hole in the ground,.. they run this business like the army or something .. I understand that things need to be perfect well not perfect but readable and in order they way they want it but this is not rocket science really. And who ever wrote the KBs really must of had no brains at all .. The search for them is like pulling teeth . I mean even if you search a google site you can find some information these just dont come up with simple words you have to use words like proxy.. SAL etc .. just let me put the question in there and pop up the answer thats the way I see it .. easy and simple .. I spend more time looking for the KB and making comments then I would with the customer and getting them fixed . I know how to fix there dam computer let me do it my way shit its always no follow the KB good God give me a break.. Like I said I was looking for a Job when I found this one and believe you me if another one comes along and is in my line of work i will jump at the chance.. I'm out of there and surely will tell a few people a few things as I'm walking out the door.. for the most part they are nice but there are a few I could just well you know ,.. anyway feeling a bit better after this post lol. Later.

I was thinking about getting a online degree to further my education. I went to college and received my Associates and love going there making new friends and trying to be the best I can be but now that I'm older and working I need more information because you can never stop learning. The job that I'm at right now I'm learning so much new information sometimes my mind is just spinning. Sometimes people are happy with what they already know and don't try to further there education, but I can not seem to get enough. I would like to get my masters degree online and further what I know now. Like I said the job I have now is very stressful but its one of them jobs that never will learn it all ever. There is over 5,000 items to learn but no one can learn that much in just 5 short weeks.

Well they are almost done and then its home to sweep and vacuum my house since I have my vacuum there now, but first have to clean it out because it was the last thing that left the old house when we was moving out. Then its take a shower and rest up for work tomorrow morning . Man this weekend went by so fast..